I was pissed at myself and I couldn’t figure out why. It took awhile before I could understand just why. Then I remembered: May was supposed to be my month! It would be the month I would be done with therapy. And I would be healed. I honestly thought that by May all of my dysfunctions and emotional baggage would be long gone. I looked at healing as this linear slope in which I was progressing toward this imaginary fini
sh line. I thought healing was this straight and narrow path. You’re either moving up the slope toward healing or your digressing down the slope further toward dysfunction. I was pissed at myself for missing the mark. Not making my goal. May is here now and at times it still feels I’m at the starting blocks.
I’ve been learning, I think Iyanla said that “healing is a spiral.” There is no right or wrong in your healing process. Everything contributes to your growth- progression- your good. If you make a healthy decision, it’s for your good. If you make an unhealthy decision, this situation has the same/ equal potential to be for your good, if you choose to look at it as an opportunity. Progression in this sense, means moving toward your Higher Self, higher sense of consciousness and awareness and truth. Ultimately, your good.
My question is: When your process doesn’t look like you envisioned, what do you do? Because believe it or not, when it gets tough, your motives will come shooting out the woodwork. I had to be honest with myself about what motivated me on this journey of healing.
I realize recently that the track, race, finish line, and competition are all imaginary. There is no race. There is no finish line. There is no slope. There is no competition. And that being truthful, gentle, compassionate with yourself is the only requirement for this journey.
So, if healing is not a race with a finish line and a trophy, what does it look like for me?
Well I now know it’s not a race. I’m not in competition with anyone, not even against myself. It’s not a checklist that I complete out of obligation or this need to feel validated by the tasks I complete. Its not this arbitrary sloped path leading to enlightenment, although enlightenment can come throughout.
For me, healing is an ongoing process. For me, healing looks like always being emotionally honest with myself. It looks like being gentle, patient, and forgiving of myself. It looks like me being courageous enough to seek, acknowledge, accept the Truth. It looks like me being reflective and being willing to ask myself tough questions. It looks like creating new pathways of being. It looks like self-care every damn day. It looks like discipline and boundaries. It looks like seeing, liking,accepting, and loving myself and seeing The Divine in myself. It looks boundless. It looks adaptable. It looks like being in a healthy, loving, supportive relationship with myself and others.
So in fact, I am happy that healing doesn’t have a finish line. That would make healing finite. It is infinite. I will be forever healing. Which means I will be forever leaning in and tapping into my higher being. I will forever have the opportunity to experience enlightenment, progress, Truth in all forms. I always have the potential to keep moving, changing, and growing. It’s all for my good.